Weightloss and its Bullshit

I HATE body image, weight loss, fat, skinny, jacked, healthy living, and all that other bullshit that people obsess about.

But you know what the worst part is? I am one of the obsessors. I follow like 15 fitness people on Instagram and I completely obsess about my body. I wish I had the will power to just not care… but I don’t.

When I was in my early years of high school I was super fit and muscular because I played like a million sports. Even then I remember obsessing about how I looked. I went through a phase of bulimia when I was on the high school wrestling team in grade 11. I remember I cried the day I weighed over 100 pounds… and that was in grade 9. Since then, I got older (obviously), and my metabolism slowed down, and so did my exercising habits. In first year university I gained about 12 pounds (not quite the freshman 15) and barely exercised. I was depressed and felt fucking awful about myself. I lost my naturally toned arms and abs and discovered I now have a nice (and by nice I mean revolting) little tricep and tummy jiggle. Since then I’ve gone up and down in weight, and I haven’t been happy with the way I looked since high school.

I am literally driven crazy by this obsession to look a certain way. I’m telling you right now that I am short and stalky by nature, and I will never look the way the Victoria’s Secret models do, just solely based on height and length of limbs; never mind the lack of tone in my muscles. And yet, There’s a couple of them that I want to look like more than anything.

And oh the HATRED I feel for those women! It’s not their fault, they were born tall and dedicated their lives to being skinny and looking pretty while people take pictures of them all the time. I know some of them actually work really hard to stay the way they are, which is great; all the power to them. But it doesn’t make me hate them any less. Obviously, I am jealous. I understand that. But come on, life is just so unfair sometimes… Why can’t I look sexy like that? Being short and stalky = NOT SEXY. If I at least had toned muscles and less of the thunder thigh look, I might at least be approaching sexy… Buuuut no.

So anyways, a couple months ago I was lacking the motivation to get my shit together and change how I felt about myself and how I look more than ever. Since then, my boyfriend has been trying to help me, and made some suggestions. He purchased a fitbit for me and got me to join in with his personal trainer 3 times a week. I love the personal training. I feel like I am pushed so much more to work hard when someone is telling me what to do. It was a great idea. 3 more days a week I goto the gym solo and work out, which aren’t usually as productive as my training sessions, but I still get my sweat on. The fitbit has been helping me monitor my progress and keep track of my diet and exercise so that my lifestyle is more consistent.

I also drastically changed my diet. and WOOOOH I love junk food and carbs! I can’t get enough of them. I am an addict and not afraid to admit it. And for so long I used to punish myself for the days that I binged and I would feel terrible about myself and be angry and depressed. And because of this terrible diet I had, I told myself thats why I was seeing zero results while exercising. But now, I eat almost no junk food and have added a lot more healthy foods into my diet, I’m exercising more than I have in years, and still to no avail. I look the same. I feel the same. I see all these success stories online and wonder how the fuck that was ever possible for anyone. I still feel just as jiggly as when I started and I am doing everything right. I am not an amateur at this whole exercise and diet crap! I’ve made every mistake in the book and have since learned from it. But it doesn’t fucking MATTER. Because none of it is working.

I wish I could stop caring. I really do. I’m sure I would be a lot happier. But I can’t. I wanted to express my frustration to people, in the hopes that I’m not the only person out there struggling to lose weight, bulk up, tone up, or whatever else there is to do to your body. I see other people’s success and I can’t even feel happy for them because I am so jealous and angry; comparing them to my own failures.

Anyway, I hope people can relate to this story… or they can just call me crazy. That works too!