Mood Swings are fucked

I think from the 2 posts that I have written so far, I am making myself out to be a bit of a Taylor Swift.  Anyway, I will continue with that today with my rant on mood swings.  I swear my posts will get more sophisticated after this one…

Now, I’ve said before that I am an emotional person.  And I had been on birth control a couple years ago and found myself to be overly emotional with uncontrollable mood swings, so I decided to go off of it.  Unfortunately, I have had no choice but to go back on to it.  It has been great in every way!  Except for my hormonal outbursts of emotion.

It only happens for about 4-6 days a month where my emotions are literally turned upside-down topsy fucking turvy.  I become another person.  Ask my boyfriend.  Okay don’t actually, but if you did, he would tell you I become pollo loco (crazy chicken).  I know, that doesn’t make any sense.  Anyway, I lose my shit.

My paranoia levels rise to that of an unstable person, and I am depressed about everything and its like there is an evil monkey sitting on my head shitting negative thoughts into my brain.  I drown in my own despair about everything and manage to cry about anything imaginable.  The worst part is I can feel myself being insane but I can’t make it stop, which only triggers more whaling in despair about how I can FEEL myself being insane and I can’t fix it.

For example, this morning, I was angry that I had to go take an hour and a half ferry ride to where my sister works to cover her shift for her when I already covered for her last week and she said it would just be one shift, and I was there visiting anyway so I didn’t mind.  But I travelled the entire month of April and just wanted to stay HOME this weekend.  So, I began to get ready and mope about the apartment because of how horrible my life is (exaggerate much?) when I found the backing to an earring on the table.  I checked my ears and none were missing.  My boyfriends mom had just stayed with us the week before, so it was hers, but I immediately lost my mind and began to bombard my boyfriend with questions, WHO’S EARRING IS THIS?  WHY IS IT HERE?  ITS NOT MINE SO WHO’S IS IT?  Like a lunatic.  He told me to calm down and I realized I was being craycray so I stormed back to the bedroom and began to cry, realizing that I was having an episode of hormonal overload explosion syndrome, and went to my boyfriend, who was of course playing FIFA, and cried to him saying what is wrong with me?  He laughed and said why are you crying again?  I wailed I DONT KNOW!  and he ceased further questioning, obviously not wanting to deal with me, so I went back to the bedroom and cried further because my boyfriend wouldn’t pay attention to why I was being a deranged freak.  After I cried it all out, he asked, Better now?  I said marginally and I pouted for a while longer until I felt normal again.

I feel like this could be a scene out of rom com where like some pregnant woman is acting psycho to her husband and losing her marbles for no reason.  And everyone would laugh and say wow fuckin’ hormonal women eh?  Except that it legitimately happened and I am seriously alarmed at my mood swings.  I shouldn’t call them swings they are more like spikes.  Aggressive mood attacks causing self destruction.  Yep.  Thats a good name.  They are ruining me and my relationships with not just my boyfriend but everyone.  Boyfriend definitely gets the lion’s share of insanity, but its still affecting life on way too great of a scale.  How do I stop them?

Feeling emotionally out of control is not a good feeling.  Feeling excessive anger or sadness or paranoia is unhealthy.  I find that exercise helps me clear my head, but sometimes I am too down in the dumps that I can’t make myself go exercise.  Does anyone else feel crazy sometimes and unable to help themselves?

I love perceiving and understanding human emotions, so thanks for reading, or not!

Do I want sex too much?

So, since this is my first ever blog post I believe an introduction is in order.  I am a 22 year old woman, (sounds weird to call myself a woman as I certainly don’t feel like one) and I have a boyfriend.  And that’s pretty much all you need to know for now.  I’m just going to blabber on about my sex life for a while, (weirdly personal, I know) and if you feel like this might be interesting to you then please be my guest and read on.  Otherwise keep browsing!

So, at the beginning of my relationship, that is to say the first couple months, I could be found complaining about my vagina hurting.  The reason being not because I was plagued with spattergoit, (Harry Potter reference) but because of all the sex I was having with my boyfriend.  It seemed that he wanted it 3 to 4 times a day.  I am pretty easy going in this respect, and as it was the beginning of our relationship I wanted to please.  However, there was one day when 5 times was enough and I could do no more. At any rate, you can gather that the boy liked his sex with me.

Now, 7 months into the relationship, things have slowed down considerably in the bedroom.  And you must be thinking, oh this chick is just doin’ her stereotypical womanly thing and denying sex because she doesn’t feel like it, or has some how weaponized it against her boyfriend, thus the decline in the amount of sex.  But no.  Quite the contrary.  My boyfriend completely flip flopped (in my opinion out of nowhere) into this creature that I sleep next to every night who tells me several times a day that he loves me, and even loves to cuddle before he falls asleep, but appears to no longer remember that I indeed HAVE a vagina.  The sex drive just… gone like the wind.

And now… the problems arise.  We have sex but he can’t finish.  He blames me that I am pressuring him and he wants me to wait for him to initiate.  But he never initiates.  From having sex 2 or 3 times a day to 1 maybe 2 times a week in a very short period of time, I can’t help but think something is up?  I am an affectionate person.  I like to show people that I love them.  I like to kiss my boyfriend, and before he never seemed to mind how much we kissed and now he says, “ya ya mi amor ya” (he’s Mexican) and if you can’t get what that means, it’s something along the lines of “okay ya thats enough babe”.  And I feel like a crazy person.  I try to initiate sex several times a day just to get some kind of reaction but no.  Nothing.  Always shut down.  And on top of that, I’m told that I’m a crazed sex monger who needs to slow the fuck down with that raging vagina.  Okay, maybe not in those words, but you get the point.

I’m not asking for validation of my relationship, or if he’s cheating on me or lost interest or blah blah whatever other insecure thing I might whine about.  I simply wondered if I was being sexually overbearing?  Am I the reason my sexual life has obscured itself into oblivion?  Have I been too pushy?  I certainly don’t want to have sex with my boyfriend if he feels like I’m holding a gun to his head screaming for him to put his penis inside me.  That’s no solution to this problem.

And I realize that not every single man in this world is obsessed with his penis like we all make them out to be, but is once a day really asking too much?  I am sensitive, and the rejection has obviously gotten into my head to the point where I feel like I have to blog about it… #Narcissist?

I have asked what is going on numerous times and I usually get defensiveness and excuses in response, no matter how delicately I approach the subject.  I have also tried to back off and see if that would increase his desire to initiate but still no dice.  The only time he initiates is if he or I has gone away and we haven’t seen each other for 4 or 5 days and he will unceremoniously pull my pants off and go on in.  Where has the intimacy gone?  He was never a romantic, but he was also not this in-and-out robot either.

I am whining a bit I know.  But I have concluded that I am doing something very wrong, or there is something going on with him that has caused his sexual drive to plummet and he can’t get it back until he solves his inner issues that he refuses to share with me.  Do I play the waiting game?  Or do I do something more drastic?  I live with him and we have a pretty serious relationship but I can’t help but be a 16 year old girl and overthink every tiny little detail until I have concocted a monsoon of negative thoughts that consume me, causing crazy emotional breakdowns.

Okay anyway just felt like speaking to anybody who reads blogs… so thanks for listening, or scoffing, or empathizing, or rolling your eyes, or sympathizing, or stopping after the first paragraph, or whatever else you did.