Jealousy is a despicable emotion. I have decided that almost nothing positive can ever come from being jealous or dealing with a jealous person. But here I sit, drowning in my jealousy. Choking on it. And the worst part is I can’t even stop myself. My boyfriend and I have been dating for 6 months. At first, I was not jealous. I would be fine if he talked to girls and whatever, and it also didn’t bother me at all that his best friend was a girl. But, as our relationship evolved and I fell more in love with him, I found myself being jealous more frequently. It didn’t help that he would try to make me jealous because I continuously told him that I was not, in fact, jealous.
I also found that at first I had no reason to be jealous, because I had no reason not to trust him. But I started hearing things from my friends that he was a big man slut before he met me, and had a bunch of girls on the go. He even told me himself that he had to end a few flings once he found me. This at first made me feel special, like oh wow I was the girl that made him want a serious relationship and none of those other ho-bags did! But my feelings started to change, and I don’t exactly know why, maybe because of what my friends had been saying, but I started to subconsciously erase the trust that I had built up with him in my head.
This led to my psycho bitch phase 1. One night, I went to bed early around 10:30pm because I was really tired. I’m lame, I know. My boyfriend wasn’t tired and decided to stay up and play FIFA on his PS4. He came to bed around midnight and it kind of woke me up in the process, so I went pee when he climbed into bed and passed right out. I went back into bed and lay there for a few minutes thinking. I looked over at him and saw he was more or less unconscious with drool running down his face, and was then suddenly and inexplicably overcome with suspicion and had a vicious desire to look through his phone. I know, I’m crazy. Shaking with a sudden adrenaline rush, I walked around the bed and sat on the floor, boyfriend’s phone in hand. He doesn’t have a password on it, as he always tells me “why would I need a password? I have nothing to hide.” which first of all is stupid, because what if it got stolen…? But I digress. I opened up his Facebook messages and found that he had a conversation with his ex, as well as a girl I knew he had slept with, but was still a friend of his. I read the conversation with his ex first, and it was full of things I didn’t want to see, but nothing that affected him and I. It was more or less them putting “closure” to the messy ending of their relationship which had happened a year and a half before he had met me. I of course was beside myself upset that he chose to hide this conversation with his ex from me, because I am a very open person and don’t like secrets. I would have been quite alright if he had told me he wanted to speak to his ex about apologies and whatever, but instead he went behind my back and chose to hide it from me. I am sensitive so I rather know than not know…. maybe that makes me bizarre I don’t know. The second conversation was a flirtatious one with a “friend” who he had slept with, and I would say that some of the things being said were pushing the boundary of “not okay”. I was most definitely more upset about this conversation, and I don’t know if thats right or wrong or fucked up. At any rate, I closed everything up, erased my tracks, and lay awake for 5 hours concocting a poisonous stew of negative and hurt feelings to turn myself into the green monster known as Jealousy. I know, I know, curiosity killed the fucking cat. I did this to myself. All because I was crazy and invaded my boyfriend’s privacy based on a poorly thought out suspicion.
The next morning I knew I couldn’t leave this unsaid or I would literally lose my mind. I pleaded guilty immediately to my crime, and proceeded to gently address all the hurtful things I discovered. He responded with disappointment at my invasion, but apologized for not telling me about his confrontation with his ex, and sort of brushed off the second conversation, claiming that he wasn’t being flirty but he was “sorry if it seemed that way”. I said it was okay and that from now on he should tell me if he is talking to his ex, and not to instigate conversations with girls he had recently slept with before me, which I thought wasn’t totally unreasonable? I’m too uptight aren’t I… Anyway, he agreed.
Maybe I’m too open for some peoples’ liking, and maybe its weird that I requested he tell me whenever his ex talks to him, but my policy is honesty, because I HATE secrets and lies. I rather know than not know, like I said before. I have been in a relationship of secrets and lies, and it was an unspeakable disaster. That being said, I have been rattled ever since.
Now that I have these possibilities that he could be lying to me again running around in my head, I can’t help myself. I let my imagination run wild and picture him having nightly conversations with various girls or lying about where he’s going to see any of them. Psycho bitch phase 2. Crazy thoughts and crazy accusations. And it did NOT help that I found out (not by me snooping) about another instance where his ex had spoken to him (a non cheating conversation). It was his failure to tell me while he was showing me something on his phone and I saw the chat. I was very upset that he kept it from me again, and he promised it wouldn’t happen again and that he was sorry he didn’t tell me and that he was just worried I would freak out. But of course I freaked out MORE once I found out he DIDNT tell me!! GOD!! Okay, crazy lady overload here.
Jealousy has invaded my body and taken over my free will. It controls me and it consumes me, and I can’t get it to leave. Does the doubt always stay once the trust has been contorted? I want to say that I still trust him, but from my behaviour, I clearly don’t. I am constantly wondering who he is talking to. If its a girl, I am unreasonably frosty about the fact that he’s talking to this person, even if they are a perfectly nice and harmless girl. I know he loves me, but if I know that, then why do I still not trust him? Trust and jealousy are very closely related emotions. I struggle with both of them.
It also (in a weird twisted way) makes me feel better that he gets jealous about guy friends that I talk to (which is almost none because I don’t WANT my boyfriend to have jealousy problems with me). I like knowing that I can make him feel what he makes me feel… which is of course pathetic and immature and wrong. Did I mention I’m crazy already? I KNOW that jealousy causes problems so I try to avoid it whenever I can, but why does he make it impossible for me to ditch the wretched emotion!? I’m in this relationship for the long haul, but at this rate, how will we survive when we are both BFF with the Green Monster?
As always, thanks for caring or not or whatever.
bloglady5 